Rant from the road

Just a couple thoughts from my most recent trip across Rt. 80 (in the rain).

• In Pennsylvania, it’s illegal to coast in the left lane. On a two
lane highway, the left lane is for passing. So…while I understand that
driving your Hummer you’d like to get every little MPG you can get and
save yourself 14 cents by taking the insides of the curves….GET OUT OF
THE LEFT HAND LANE and GET OUT OF MY WAY! You probably have your
blinker on too, a-hole, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.

• And while I’m at it, if you’re in the left hand lane, you better be
going fast enough to justify that perhaps maybe just maybe you’re
going to be passing somebody 25 miles up the road that we can’t even
see yet. At least then you have some sort of defense. But when the
speed limit is 65, traffic is going 80, and you’re doing SIXTY in the
left hand lane…you’re actually just dangerous. You’re lucky I drive an
itty bitty sissy car, because if I drove something big I’d just get
real close behind you and start pushing.

• Speaking of speed – You’re a law abiding citizen. You take “Speed
Limit 65” to its word, and you decide that you’re going to enjoy
yourself in your minivan / Cadillac / busted ass old pickup while
cruising at 55 on the interstate. However, I am not a law abiding
citizen, nor are 95% of the rest of the motorists, and you going that
slow is legitimately dangerous to traffic. If you’re afraid to drive,
GET OFF THE ROAD. Seriously, there are perfectly good country highways
that follow the interstate that have slower speed limits. You’ll be
happier there with the Mennonites and the Amish in their buggies.
Unless of course they’re going fast enough to bother you, too.

• More on speed – PICK ONE! Most cars now adays have cruise control,
so it should be pretty easy to run at a consistent speed. However, if
your vehicle doesn’t have cruise, would it absolutely kill you to
glance down at your speedometer once in a while? It doesn’t seem
unusual to you that you’ve passed / been passed by the same car over
and over again? That’s because you can’t decide between 55 and 75!
We’re not playing tag! These people make me want to pull my hair out.
Then they’re completely confused when I pass them for the 17th time in
4 miles and I give them the finger. I’m pretty sure they think I just
hate them for driving a stupid minivan. When I’m Czar of all things,
these are the first people to die. I’m actually riled up just writing
about it.

• And last but not least. It may be noon and therefore bright enough
for you to see the road. I get it. However, it’s POURING rain,
everybody’s kicking up little water clouds behind them, and it’s
generally hard to see. So please…please….turn your goddamn lights on.
No seriously, I get it…you can see just fine, so why do you need your
lights?? Listen genius, if you don’t turn your HEAD lights on, your
TAIL lights don’t turn on either. So when you’re sitting in the left
hand lane (cause when you do one of these obnoxious things, you
generally do all of these obnoxious things…because you’re a d-bag)
without your lights on in the pouring rain and someone can’t see you –
don’t piss and moan when they end up in your trunk.


Now get back to work, crazy.