A date which will live in infamy...

Disclaimer: This is a long post. The longest one yet (and this disclaimer makes it even longer!) If you’re a little dissuaded from reading today because of the length, do me a favor and stick with me today. After all, as a friend reminded me, you’re not amateur procrastinators. You’re professionals. You can handle it. Additionally, this post is not happy, or funny. It’s easily the most seriously post I’ve ever written. But it’s important to me, as it should be important to all of us.

---------------------------------------------------------------------


“Yesterday… a date which will live in infamy.” While these words were spoken by an American President on December 8th 1941 (thanks for pointing out my error, anonymous reader!), they just have easily could have been spoken by the American President on September 12th 2001. September 11th 2001 truly was a day that will live in infamy. It was a day that brought together an entire generation of Americans. It’s our Pearl Harbor, our Sputnik, our Kennedy assassination. A USA Today poll found that more than two thirds of Americans view 9/11 as the most memorable news event of their lifetime, and you would be hard pressed to find anyone over the age of 20 who can’t tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing on that fateful morning when the news first broke. Personally, I remember nearly every detail of that day as if was only a year ago, as opposed to eight. I remember hearing the first reports that it was an accident; probably a small plane. I remember looking outside and thinking, how could a plane accidentally fly into a building that big on a day this clear? Then the second tower was hit, followed by the Pentagon, and I very vividly remember thinking, “The shit. Has hit. The fan.” Just like that – as silly as it may look in print.

As articulate as my recollected thought may have been, I truly love language and words. While it would be fitting to describe the day as infamous, perhaps a more fitting word is transformative. How much did the nation change after 9/11? Everything from our national security, to the way airports are run, or even the way we now can’t help but to look suspiciously at an Arab on an airplane. Transformed. I’ve studied the Middle East and don’t have an ounce of prejudice towards Arabs, but if I’ve thought like this (and I’m not proud to admit that I have), I guarantee I’m not the only one. Above and beyond social changes, can you put a figure for the number of lives that were changed because of that one day? Take me for example. While I always had an interest in politics and the ways of the world, 9/11 pushed me towards national service. I decided that I wanted to join the intelligence community somehow, or work for the government, and chose my college major because of this. I learned about the Middle East and Islam, and regardless of what I end up doing with my life I think I’m a much more well rounded and worldly person because of it. When I couldn’t find a job in government service after graduation, I decided to join the National Guard. Soon enough I’ll be heading off to the Middle East for my own tour of duty. My life – transformed. All this because of one day eight years ago.

Now forget about me, and forget about the victims, but rather think of their families. Children of 9/11 victims are now eight years old, and have never known their fathers. Others were perhaps newborns and have never really known their mothers. Thousands of families will never be the same. Transformed. Now consider the soldiers. We can discuss politics all you want, but 9/11 was the catalyst for sending our troops to Asia. According to the Washington Post, as of this morning 5,130 soldiers have died in Iraq and Afghanistan. Those thousands of families have dramatically and tragically changed forever. Countless more families will never be the same because of PTSD, or effects of various injuries. Transformed. When you start to break it down like this, you quickly realize that the number of lives changed is not in the thousands of deaths that make the paper, but in the millions surrounding them.

Because of the countless people affected because of that one day, September 11th is a day that needs to be remembered always. But before we get into the long term, let’s try this week first. Let’s start with today. First of all, thank someone today who gives of their time and talents to help make you safer. Find a soldier, or a fireman, or a police officer. Thank them for their service. Believe me, they’ll appreciate it. Additionally, remember that last year the President made 9/11 a National Day of Service. As I’ve already noted in this space, I promote doing things for your fellow man year round, but today in particular you should get out there and do something, with the millions of people affected by 9/11 in mind. Donate blood, give clothes to good will, buy somebody a cup of coffee…you get the idea.

Now let’s look long term. While I don’t want to get too self-righteous, I find it absolutely heinous that a Ground Zero memorial has not been completed. Or hell, even really started. I did some research online today as to how this can possibly be true. Politics, a shrinking economy, soaring costs and raw emotions have all been listed as delaying progress on its development. Are you kidding me? The economy was doing just fine four years ago. Why wasn’t more progress made before the bubble burst? Better yet, even now in a struggling economy, you mean to tell me that you can’t find enough private donors to at least get a respectable memorial in place? Somewhere that New Yorkers and family members can go to remember the event? It actually makes me angry. I understand that many companies who had their headquarters in the towers sustained massive financial setbacks and are probably now still struggling because of the current financial crisis, but am I to believe that they wouldn’t be willing to make donations to help memorialize their fallen employees and coworkers? Mother Teresa once said, “We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.” Those who have the means should remember this, especially today, and figure out a way to make the memorial a reality.

I’ve spent enough time on my soap box, and for those of you that are still with me 1100+ words later, I appreciate your attention. Just remember why today needs to remain important. Never forget.

Now get back to work, crazy.



“We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail.” – George W. Bush.

The mini-cation

For those of you who know me, you know that spontaneity is a quality that I hold true and dear. I’ve picked up and gone to Germany for-the World Cup on a whim, I’ve flown to Florida for a long weekend, I’ve driven to Minneapolis to see the Eagles play, and in college I took tons of weekend road trips that weren’t conceived until the last possible minute. I love the weekend getaway. LOVE. I can’t over-state this. And yet, it occurred to me recently that I haven’t had a solid mini-cation in awhile (that’s mini vacation, for those of you who may not be particularly astute). So, a few weeks back, I looked at my schedule and realized that if I swung my schedule just right, I could have two back to back four day weekends. Four-day weekends tend to mean great things for my stress levels and terrible things for my liver. This seemed a fair compromise, and thus the slightly (but not really) spontaneous planning began.

Long story short, I decided on two locations – One weekend I spent three days in Nashville (via Pittsburgh) visiting a friend I haven’t seen in years, and the following weekend I went to the shore for four days to hang out with my college friends. While I could bore you with every little nuance of both trips, I instead have decided to break down things I usually do that I ignored while on vacation, and things I never do that I got to do on vacation. Ready go.

Things I normally do, but I didn’t do on vacation:

· Surf the web to keep myself entertained
· Check my email
· Work
· Think about work
· Set an alarm clock (this one’s BIG)
· Wear my uniform (my work clothes)
· Oh, and did I mention work and/or think about work?

Things I normally don’t do, but I did on vacation:

· Swim in, and get my ass kicked by the tropical storm-angered ocean
· Early morning Bloody Marys (or is that Maries? Nah, I feel like that’s a whole different name. Moving on)
· Read for pleasure
· Honky Tonk bars!
· Take lots of tourist-y pictures
· Play Beirut (or “beer-pong” for you simpletons out there)
· Eat awesome southern BBQ
· And fresh sea food
· Get a tan
· Play copious amounts of Rock Band
· Ball-bust and catch up with my best friends

So, you’re saying you haven’t taken a sweet mini-cation in a while? Well, if your trips are anything like my trips, I hope this list is a healthy reminder that you’re due. So get out there and go someplace this weekend, or next weekend, or sometime while the weather’s still nice. Hell, if you’ve never been in a stadium with 108,000 screaming fans, you could always come to Happy Valley this weekend for the Syracuse game. Then you get to have a mini-cation while I have a stay-cation. We’re all winners!

Now get back to work, crazy.

The Prodigal Blogger Returns

Wow. So it’s been a while, eh? My apologies to the four faithful MM4PP’ers out there, but I’ve been busy-ish. Taking some vacations, doing some actual work, and other such things. And recently in the time that I would have otherwise spent blogging, I’ve been reading. I just finished up “Killer Angels” which is a historical fiction book about the Battle of Gettysburg. You don’t need to know about history or war to enjoy this book, and it’s written more like a novel than a history lesson. It’s awesome and I highly recommend it. But I digress. Ok, it’s either all those aforementioned reasons… or I was really lazy and didn’t get around to writing. I realized that while I like writing, it’s kinda like skipping class – once you’ve skipped it a few times, you know you’re way behind, and it just seems to make more sense to not go today either. What’s that? You never skipped class because you were a productive student who cared about your education? Um…yeah…me too.

So anywho, this morning while perusing the interwebs, I stumbled across a little snippet about how the University of Central Florida will no longer allow fans to commence getting liquored up on campus at 7 a.m. on game days. The university has prohibited campus tailgating until the intolerably late hour of 8 a.m. for games that kick off before 6 p.m., and until noon for games that kick off at 6 or later. Now, while I feel like the one hour change is a bit unnecessary – change for the sense of change – I don’t think the new rule is really excessive. After all, I’ve done my fair share of morning drinking before college football games, and even I think 8 a.m. is reasonable (which may have something to do with the fact that I was probably up til 3 drinking the night before that and the thought of sunlight makes my brain hurt…). Apparently, however, the UCF alumni and fan base are outraged and some are threatening to cancel their season passes. I guess the school not wanting their fan base to drink themselves into oblivion is a bit of a crime.

This got me thinking – what different areas of society would bother us the most if they changed their drinking rules?

· Bars not opening until noon. – Could you imagine the intoxicated barely understandable outrage from all the toothless unemployed of the world? I mean, I personally can’t see any reason to be at the bar before noon (other than maybe a bloody mary), but I feel like people would absolutely throw a fit if there was nowhere that they could go and nurse a beer with strangers before noon.

· The beach not allowing alcohol – at all. Ok, so I know this one is an actual rule at some beaches. I can see the logic in the beach not wanting you dehydrating yourself in the sweltering heat and getting irresponsibly drunk in front of lots of young children. But after this weekend at Bethany Beach in Delaware, I think this rule would disappoint a large portion of my friends. Or at very least, Mike Petite.

· No more beer or liquor in the super market. – I demand Jameson with my cheerios, and I want to travel to no more than one store to accomplish this! Since I’m from PA, it always surprises me when I see booze in the aisle right next to the baby formula. Personally, I think it’s a good idea to sell it all in a different store. Kids think differently than adults, and putting the liquor in the food store with flashy advertisements makes it seem like it’s on the same level as coke and pepsi. But ignoring this fact, while it may be inconvenient at times, we here in PA get our drunk on just fine while having to go to multiple different stores. You’d do fine too.
Well that’s the best I’ve got for today. 700 words isn’t too bad after nearly a month lay-off. Any other ideas are always encouraged in the comment section, but otherwise….

Get back to work, crazy.

Lessons learned

This week I found myself in a bit of a shit-storm at work. In short, an incident occurred at a camp I worked at recently, and instead of coming forward with all the proper information, I decided to go along with a story that was created to brush the situation under the rug. My boss, the Major, saw this as lying, and it obviously pissed him off. Then I lost something, and didn?t go through all the proper reporting procedures (not maliciously, just because I?m an idiot), and this also pissed him off. So?he decided to bring me down to base to give me a good talking to. He imparted some pretty good lessons, and I?d like to pass these along to you?

? When you have a good team, they?re there to support you. Think about farting. No seriously, think about it. Ok, now that you?re done giggling?. If you fart in a group of friends, you take credit for it, right? You?re not concerned if they know. If you?re part of a strong team, it?s the same thing. Take credit for it, and don?t try and pass that stink onto somebody else.

? Reporting is important. Why? All decisions are part of a bigger picture. Whether you?re right, wrong, or somewhere in between ? whether you screwed up or did the best thing ever, your decision goes beyond yourself. You need to let people (superiors) know about what?s going on. If you did well, lessons can be learned, the business can grow. If you screwed up, your superiors can fix it better than you can. Fess up, because leaders have flexibility in most matters.

? While leaders have flexibility, it is absolutely essential that they stick to their integrity. That goes for everybody. Ultimately, integrity (or, our reputation) is all we have. Once we?ve compromised that integrity, it?s gone forever. You will always be challenged on it. You lay a thousand bricks and you?re known as a brick layer, but you blow one goat, and you?re known as the goat blower for the rest of your life. One exception to the rule means people will expect multiple exceptions. You may have to hurt people along the way, but that?s part of the burden of leadership.

? And last but not least, a lesson on being a leader in a hierarchy: It's hard to wrap your brain around, but really....nothing you think matters. I know, that sounds dramatic. But in reality, you're basically a piece in the plan of somebody above you. If you remember that, it will help you think properly in your decision making process, and make the best decisions in the interest of your company. This is obviously extremely important in the Army (?Take that hill!? ?Well?.I don?t think that?s a good idea?), but it?s in play in the business world as well.

Now get back to work, crazy.

Follow up to "additional...", so read that one first!

After a good 20 minutes of debate with Petite, I'd like to add some clarifications and stipulations to my Hiroshima argument.
First and foremost, I'd like to limit the debate to events, not necessarily inventions. The steam engine, the combustion engine, penicillin, the micro chip, birth control, etc etc, were all absurdly important. I'm not debating this fact. However, important inventions lead to important events...and I'm just talking about events. Second, I make that bold statement with the belief that an all out nuclear war between the US and USSR during the 80s or 90s could have lead to nuclear holocaust and nuclear winter. We're talking end of the world level shit. With those kind of implications, I can only think of ONE specific event that would be more important. Sputnik. Sputnik launches the space race, which progresses satellite technology to the point where ICBMs (inter-continental ballistic missiles) are possible to the extent that we and the Russians could blow each other back to the ice age. Which is exactly what would occur if we were to experience nuclear winter. However, as you all know, I love debate. So...bring it.

Additional left over randomness....specificially random to today.

Sorry for the two straight posts of randomness, but I have some things to talk about. Tomorrow I’m going to hit on the interesting week I’ve had, and some valuable lessons the Major taught me yesterday – but tomorrow is for tomorrow. Back to today.

· Today is the 64th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. I would argue that this is one of the top 5, if not THE, most important event in modern history. Before heading right to the comment section before reading the rest of this post to say, “But John, what about _____, that’s wayyyyyy more important, dummy!” I just want you to think about something. While many American soldiers have died in the resulting 64 years, there has not been a war between super-powers, or even major powers for that matter, since the conclusion of WWII. What do you think the war would have looked like between the US and Russia (and the subsequent allies that would have been pulled in) had both nations not been terrified of mutual assured destruction at the hand of the Bomb? Better yet, when that war would have entered the terribly long and drawn out stage (like both world wars before it), do you think for a second that one of the two countries wouldn’t have eventually started slinging nukes to try and end it? Just a thought.

· Now a lighter note. Today driving across Rt. 80 (I know, another driving story), I saw a flatbed truck carrying a carwash. Like, one of the ones you drive into, stop, and it auto-washes your car. Some of the equipment was in it, and the outside of the carwash was a nice brick façade. I can’t even begin to explain how awesome this was, and I’m immensely disappointed I didn’t have my camera with me. My camera phone just would not have done it justice. Now here’s the question – how much money would you pay to drive up the back ramp of a flatbed, get a carwash (while still progressing towards your destination), roll off the back all Knight Rider style, and then continue on your day? We’re not even putting a price on the story value of this, and the pictures that could be had. I’m not a rich man, but I’d probably pay $200, easy. I mean, not $200 over and over again, but definitely once for the experience. And it’d have to come with the full wax and buff treatment and all that for the money. But whatever…I just may be on to something here!

· I’m going on a 5 day hiking trip next week (sorry, no blogs), and I decided to invest in a sweet hammock. This hammock has a little bit of everything. It’s got a built on bug net, it comes with a great rain cover, and all things considering it’s pretty comfy. I think I overpaid a bit for what amounts to a large sheet of plastic, but for 5 days of not sleeping on the ground it was well worth it. Last night I decided to give it a test-run…ya know, make sure I could set it up properly, make sure it wouldn’t fall out of the tree, etc etc…before I was tired and frustrated after hiking 12 miles on the first day with a bunch of whiny kids. The bag said “Assembly time: 2.5 minutes”. HA! Maybe 2.5 minutes per suggested knot. But I digress. 25 good minutes later I finally have the siesta swing to a standard where I think I could probably survive the night, and I’m thinking – OK, it’s now or never. Let’s give this a go. I get in, and am actually asleep pretty quickly. Victory is mine! Not so fast, Lombardi….Moral of the story? Before thinking this is a good idea, check the goddamn weather report. It got down to about 42 degrees last night. I was unprepared. I was also back inside at about 3AM. Yeah…better luck next week, champ.

Now get back to work, crazy.

Hodgepodge

Here's what I happen to be thinking about today...

· Today the only rock station in State College (and really in all of north-central PA) went off the air unannounced. No warning, no goodbye, not even an explanation on their website. A few years ago the same exact thing happened to my favorite alternative-rock station in Philly. Here’s what I want to know – what could possibly be the motive of just shutting down a station over night without any explanation to their listeners? Even if the station isn’t doing well, why not allow the DJs to say their goodbyes and have a bit of a swan song? It just seems absurd to me. That’s not the way we do business in the rest of the world, so why is it acceptable for radio?

· I don’t know much of anything about cars. Neither does Mike Petite. However, over the past 2 years we’ve both learned the same valuable lesson: if you don’t do any regular maintenance to your car whatsoever, at very least you need to occasionally check your oil. If you don’t check your oil, when that light goes on, you pretty much need to immediately pull over and put oil in it. Otherwise you wreck your engine. This same rule applies for overheating. If you’re overheating, don’t try and make it those extra 5 miles back home. You’ll wreck your engine that way too. Just pull over and get a tow-truck….it’s cheaper than a new car / engine. Learn from my mistakes!

· REI’s customer service gets a 10/10 in my book. The US Postal Service sent back some equipment I need for a 5 day hike coming up because my landlord didn’t submit my name as a tenant (nor did I take the initiative to do it). It’s a big package, and with standard shipping it just wouldn’t have gotten here in time, so I was willing to pay the extra money to get it here in a few days. However, REI is 3-day’ing it to me for free. Outstanding. They also have really cheap outdoor gear, and some good clearance stuff. I’ll happily advertise for them since they’re hooking me up.

· For some reason as male-type adults we tend to have an aversion for cartoon movies (unless you’re dorks like my friends and watch tons of anime, but that’s a whole ‘nother story). Well one of my favorite movies of all time is Shrek, a couple weeks ago I watched Wall-e and just yesterday I saw Cars. These movies sometimes are kinda corny because they’re obviously geared towards children, but I’ve got to say, just because it’s animated we shouldn’t over rate them. A good movie is a good movie is a good movie regardless of whether or not the actors are real.

· Great service is underrated. Because I’ve spent a bunch of years paying my rent on tips, I’m pretty critical of my waiters and bartenders. This weekend with company here we really had excellent service everywhere we went. Because of this, I tipped absurdly well. Excellent service can definitely make or break going out for me, and while great company could have pushed through bad service, the great service definitely helped. Moral of the story: if you think your server did a fantastic job, reward them as such. They get paid $2.83/hr.

· I’ve just picked back up “Thank You For Arguing” by Jay Heinrichs. Very, very good book. It’s basically about the art of persuasion, but if you even have the slightest interest in debate, conversation, and rhetoric, it’s a must read.

· 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon: 1) I’m friends with Jeff Zubernis, who was in the 6th Sense (Silence, village idiot!) 2) with Bruce Willis 3) who was in Four Rooms with Marissa Tomei 4) who was in Lover boy with Kevin Bacon!

Now get back to work, crazy.

Tis better to give...

This weekend I was reading an article in Sports Illustrated about the power of a good deed. The story was about an NFL lineman who one day invited a group of his closest friends and family out to dinner, and when they all sat down they were surprised to each receive an envelope filled with $55 (the player’s jersey number). Along with the money was instructions for each person to now go off into the world and use this relatively small sum (I say relatively because I know a few of my out of work friends would kill for $55) and make a difference. So off they went, doing various good deeds like filling parking meters, buying food for the needy, etc, etc, and the player thought his project was a huge success. What he didn’t anticipate though, is how the project would grow. Many of his friends included a filled envelope of their own while doing good for others, and quickly the gift of giving, and these $55 envelopes spread like wild fire. Today, years later, he still receives calls and emails from strangers telling them how he’s impacted their lives, and how they plan on continuing the chain. I finished this story with a new found faith in humanity – which is rare for me considering I typically think that the general populous is full people who only care as far as the tips of their noses.

Then I got in the car to return back to State College and turned on the radio to discover that Metallica was being held hostage by the radio station. OK, not literally, but the DJ came up with this fun idea that in order to raise money for leukemia research (a cause that this particular station often supports), he’d refuse to play any Metallica until $100 was donated by the listeners. In almost two hours the stationed managed to raise…wait for it…12 dollars. TWELVE DOLLARS?!? Needless to say, he was rather disgusted by his audience, and kept pointing out that if each listener would only donate $1, they’d reach their goal in no time. Finally somebody called in to donate the balance ($76), but ONLY if he could pick the Metallica songs that would be played when they went back on the air. I understand that a lot of listeners are in their cars, and therefore can’t pledge money online like the DJ was requesting, but the simple fact that out of all of NEPA 100 people couldn’t find it in themselves to make a small donation is a pretty bad omen on the state of the world right now.

So here’s my proposition to you….all 6 of you that read this….go out and do something this week that makes a difference in somebody’s life. No idea how to do that? Well then, I’m glad I’m here to help! (In order from little things to big things)

1. Common courtesies – people underestimate how far a smile, or a compliment, or a thank you can go. I’m sure you’ve been somewhere with your hands full and the jackass in front of you didn’t care to hold the door open for you. Or YOU held the door open and said jackass didn’t say thank you. Do the little things – they go a long way. Example: http://pennstate.craigslist.org/rnr/1274935381.html

2. Monetary Donations – In the immortal words of Supertramp, Give a little bit! I’m not talking about making donations around tax time so you can make a write off. You’re doing that for YOU. Instead, give a little bit of money where you know it will do some good. Drop that change in the Salvation Army jug, or send some money to a cause that means something to you. If you’ve lost a loved one too soon, or an organization has made a huge impact in your life, it should be easy to pick a cause. Just remember that every dollar helps.

3. Giving “stuff” – You can’t help everyone. I know. But sometimes a situation will arise when you think you could legitimately make a difference in this person’s life. Once I met a kid living on the street who couldn’t have been any older than me, so I bought him lunch and a new winter cap. Did it better that kid’s life? Probably not, but I know I lifted him up a bit. Remember that socks and sandwiches for the homeless, or toys to children can go a long way. Going to the Salv to donate those designer clothes you haven’t worn in years (as opposed to going to get clothes for a theme party) fits in this category too.

4. Time – To me this is the most important, because it’s the hardest. Donate some time. Again, there are a million causes, and a million resources where you can donate your time. Volunteer at a hospital, work with sick / underprivileged kids (like Big Brothers Big Sisters) or deliver Meals on Wheels to the elderly. There are people that really need personal help every single day, and even though we might be busy, that time spent in front of the TV or at the computer after work could always be put to better use.

Now, I don’t expect everyone who reads this to go out and immediately turn into a saint, giving of all their free time. But just remember, goodness spreads. Do your part.

Now get back to work, crazy.

Rant from the road

Just a couple thoughts from my most recent trip across Rt. 80 (in the rain).

• In Pennsylvania, it’s illegal to coast in the left lane. On a two
lane highway, the left lane is for passing. So…while I understand that
driving your Hummer you’d like to get every little MPG you can get and
save yourself 14 cents by taking the insides of the curves….GET OUT OF
THE LEFT HAND LANE and GET OUT OF MY WAY! You probably have your
blinker on too, a-hole, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.

• And while I’m at it, if you’re in the left hand lane, you better be
going fast enough to justify that perhaps maybe just maybe you’re
going to be passing somebody 25 miles up the road that we can’t even
see yet. At least then you have some sort of defense. But when the
speed limit is 65, traffic is going 80, and you’re doing SIXTY in the
left hand lane…you’re actually just dangerous. You’re lucky I drive an
itty bitty sissy car, because if I drove something big I’d just get
real close behind you and start pushing.

• Speaking of speed – You’re a law abiding citizen. You take “Speed
Limit 65” to its word, and you decide that you’re going to enjoy
yourself in your minivan / Cadillac / busted ass old pickup while
cruising at 55 on the interstate. However, I am not a law abiding
citizen, nor are 95% of the rest of the motorists, and you going that
slow is legitimately dangerous to traffic. If you’re afraid to drive,
GET OFF THE ROAD. Seriously, there are perfectly good country highways
that follow the interstate that have slower speed limits. You’ll be
happier there with the Mennonites and the Amish in their buggies.
Unless of course they’re going fast enough to bother you, too.

• More on speed – PICK ONE! Most cars now adays have cruise control,
so it should be pretty easy to run at a consistent speed. However, if
your vehicle doesn’t have cruise, would it absolutely kill you to
glance down at your speedometer once in a while? It doesn’t seem
unusual to you that you’ve passed / been passed by the same car over
and over again? That’s because you can’t decide between 55 and 75!
We’re not playing tag! These people make me want to pull my hair out.
Then they’re completely confused when I pass them for the 17th time in
4 miles and I give them the finger. I’m pretty sure they think I just
hate them for driving a stupid minivan. When I’m Czar of all things,
these are the first people to die. I’m actually riled up just writing
about it.

• And last but not least. It may be noon and therefore bright enough
for you to see the road. I get it. However, it’s POURING rain,
everybody’s kicking up little water clouds behind them, and it’s
generally hard to see. So please…please….turn your goddamn lights on.
No seriously, I get it…you can see just fine, so why do you need your
lights?? Listen genius, if you don’t turn your HEAD lights on, your
TAIL lights don’t turn on either. So when you’re sitting in the left
hand lane (cause when you do one of these obnoxious things, you
generally do all of these obnoxious things…because you’re a d-bag)
without your lights on in the pouring rain and someone can’t see you –
don’t piss and moan when they end up in your trunk.


Now get back to work, crazy.

I believe I can fly!

I believe I can fly!

For those of you who may not of been privileged enough to be members of SigEp at Lehigh, you may not be aware of our (my) tradition of asking “which super-power would you rather have: flight, invisibility, or blowjobs on demand?” during pledge interviews. You tend to learn a lot about a person from the ensuing conversation. I mean, guys, think about the ramifications of these choices? Flight or invisibility could really help change your life or change the world. Think of all you could do and all that could be accomplished. But could you really pass up sexual gratification on demand?

All of these would be undeniably awesome super powers. I don’t think anybody could argue with that. But that got me thinking – what about really average super powers? Powers that while possibly cool, wouldn’t really have any huge world-altering possibilities. No, no, no, that’s too easy. Scrap that. I want BAD super powers. Powers that, while you would be like no other person on earth, and the power might seem cool to others, you’d pretty much be burdened by it and hate life.

Here are some just off the top of my head, but I’d definitely like some input on this one from the peanut gallery.

1. The constant ability to hear the thoughts of wildlife. - Personally I think this would be pretty cool – until I think about the details. Imagine if you had to hear the inner most thoughts of really simple creatures like bugs and birds all the time. Do you think that they think about anything other than food and defecation? Betcha not. And what if their thoughts wouldn’t be in English. So…what if you’d walk around and basically hear dogs barking in their heads all the time. I bet that wouldn’t be any fun…

2. The ability to catch fire (like the human torch)…but the inability to control it. - I don’t think I even need to get in to the social ramifications of this.

3. The ability to sleep…through anything. – Admit it, at first thought this seems AWESOME. But could you keep a regular job? Alarms would be worthless, so you’d have to go to bed ridiculously early every night. You can then basically throw out your social life. Plus what about those little naps on the train or plane while commuting. Those are gone too. You’d actually have to make a conscious effort never to doze off in class or at the office…because you’d sleep for hours! Needless to say, I’m not sure there’s enough caffeine in the world to make that worth it.

4. The ability to always know what one other person is doing. - You don’t get to change the person, and there’s no guarantee that you even know who the person is. I’m not sure about the logistics of this one – would you constantly hear their thoughts? Would be it like a movie narrative in your head? Either or, sounds interesting until you consider that you can’t turn it off.

5. Knowing how any sporting event you have any interest in is going to end. – Now before you get all excited about the betting possibilities of this (Mike Petite), keep in mind that this will take any and all joy about watching sports at all. All sports. Even wii sports. I know…sucks doesn’t it.

Leave some comments and give some other fun bad super powers. I know you have some in mind. Let’s hear ‘em.

Now get back to work, crazy.


“It’s not easy, to be-eeee, meeeee” – 5 For Fighting

The great space waste

Today I was going to follow up my inaugural post with a pretty sweet discussion on bad super powers (super powers like turning invisible, not like China). Don’t worry, that topic’s coming, but when possible in this space I’d like to address things that are current and news worthy. Ya know, keep it fresh, and all that good stuff.

While watching the news this morning I was informed that today is the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing, and that got me thinking – in a time when the world is facing the largest financial crisis since the Great Depression, should I as an average citizen care whatsoever about our space program? What has the space program accomplished that is worth the estimated $460 billion (Yes, billion. That’s a lot of zeros) budgeted to NASA since 1958. And most importantly, on this anniversary, should I care that we ever went to the moon at all?

So let’s take a look. What has NASA done for us lately? NASA claims that the latest in thermometer technology “was made possible by NASA's ability to measure the temperatures of stars and planets -- without ever leaving the ground!” Cool. Who doesn’t like a nice warm space-aged thermometer up their butts when they’re sick? Thanks NASA! But seriously – why do we care about the temperature of far off stars and planets? Can somebody tell me what good that has ever done for man-kind? Anybody? Bueller? Right…didn’t think so. Moving on. Virtual reality and robotic “pigs” that automatically feed piglets were made possible through NASA research (being a momma pig taking care of your young was WAY over rated anyway), and while they both may be cool technological advancements, neither one of them seem particularly specific to space travel. The search continues. Ok, this one has some potential - NASA and Disney are finding ways to use human and industrial waste to provide the ingredients needed for growing edible plants. This technology will be needed for establishing human colonies on other worlds. Ok, feeding the masses – I’m with you on this one. I can buy into this research (even if it implies that our food is being made from poop…). But A. this is more research that’s taking place on the ground (NOT in space) and B. I think we’re stretching just a bit by looking into feeding human colonies on other worlds when we’re having trouble feeding ourselves here on Earth.

I’m not completely cynical, however. Despite my sarcasm, I do understand that NASA has brought us some valuable technologies that we rely on every day. I’m not sure we’d be able to function as a society if out of the blue they took all of our satellites away. I mean, I get pissed when I hit a cell phone dead zone driving across Rt 80. OK great, so keep the research going, because obviously some of that spending is going to good use. But I’m still stuck on one of those original questions. None of the social and technological advances that NASA claims has anything to do with having humans on the moon, so short of trying to make the Russians feel inferior, why the heck did we go to the moon at all? If there’s not a solid answer to that question, then why do we still to this day want to put men on Mars? I’m sorry, but I just don’t see it. When I work with kids every day that can’t afford new shoes, and money’s being taken away from health care and education to help balance the budget, I feel the $1.5 billion to put a man-bearing (pigging?) spacecraft into orbit is a little hard to justify. When Neil Armstrong said “this is one small step for man,” maybe he should have just stopped there.

Who would have guessed I started caring about people’s welfare a little?

Now get back to work, crazy.



P.S. - I'm helping to run a camp next week where there aren't many creature comforts....like wireless internet (gasp!). I'll try to post two or three days next week, but if the postings are few and far between, well, tough poop.

The Inaugural Post

Good morning! So, I’m not sure how it came to be, but through a series of sexual promises and terrifying threats, I agreed to start up a blog. Let it be clear that I’m sort of anti-blog, so I’m not sure how long or how successful this will be, but here we go. While discussing the prospects of this project this morning, a friend made a really good point, informing me, “please don’t. No one cares what you think.” Well shit, I never thought of it that way. What if the angry little elf has a point? So, I decided I needed a purpose and direction in this little endeavor beyond filling the world with my wisdom. What can I offer my friends (since inevitably they’ll be the only ones reading this) that would help make their day better? After much debate, I could only think of one thing that I’m really exceptionally good at that I would feel comfortable passing on to the world – Procrastination! I am an absolutely masterful procrastinator, and in a new job where I have very little to do but need to appear busy from time to time, I’ve really started to finely tune these skills.


So there you have it – my raison d’etre for this little project. When you’re bored at work and need to kill a few minutes, you know damn right well that you’re gonna check this blog and see what I’m thinking. Whether you want to or not. You might even kill a few more minutes chiming in and giving your two cents on whatever the topic of the day is (except for you Zales – no one cares what you think). And it gives me something else to do that isn’t “real” work, thus making me look busy. Everyone wins!


Today’s Musing: Recent Cracked Out Athletes


Perusing ESPN.com today, I stumbled across three different stories about pro athletes in trouble because of drugs. I guess we’ve time-warped back to the Cowboys of the 90s or the 80s NBA and nobody told me. But anyway, since I DO work for Counter Drug, I figured this would be a nice jump off topic. Addressing these in order of complete ridiculousness…


1. Cocaine ban over, Richard Gasquet cleared to resume playing tennis – The #32 ranked Gasquet was suspended for the past 2.5 months for testing positive for cocaine. His defense was that he went to a night club in Canada after a tournament, made out with some random girl….and her coke somehow got into his system. Sounds like an absolutely ridiculous defense to me – however, tennis’s governing body apparently disagreed! They said that while the club was "notoriously associated with use of illegal recreational drugs including cocaine," the amount of coke found in his system was small enough to corroborate the likelihood of his story. Could you imagine being the defense lawyer going into the trial with that defense and winning? I probably would have offered my client my condolences before I realized that the verdict was actually a positive one. Ridiculous. Moral of the story: When you make an obscene amount of money to play a game, if you’re a reputable dude, don’t go to shady places! No good will come of it. Just ask Pacman Jones…


2. Former NFL Running back Travis Henry gets 3 years for being involved with a cocaine ring – Now, this may not seem too ridiculous until you learn why he got involved in said ring to begin with. Henry was a promising running back before he got released for “drug use and perceived lack of commitment.” Ok…nothing out of the ordinary there. But here’s where the unintentional comedy just flies off the charts. Being your typical inner-city kid turned pro athlete, Henry didn’t take care of his money, and when he lost his job he found that he couldn’t keep up with his child support payments. For nine kids. From nine different women. Well what better way to get back on your feet then to invest what little money you have left into a cocaine ring? I mean…with the struggling economy and all that….wow. His message after getting his sentence was, "If given the chance, I want to tell kids around the world that using drugs and abusing drugs isn't the way." With Henry’s history, it wouldn’t surprise me if he had to travel the world simply to tell his OWN kids that drugs aren’t the way. Moral of the story: wrap it up, stupid!


3. Jeremy Mayfield tests positive for meth….again! - Now, just to be clear, I dislike NASCAR. Watching cars drive around in a circle for hours in hopes of possibly seeing a crash is just not entertaining to me. However, I do appreciate the skill involved in driving 6752 mph around a track while trying to pass other people and not die. What I DON’T understand is why somebody would think it would be a good idea to take meth at any point during a career which requires extreme levels of coordination and reaction time. Drugabuse.gov writes, “Chronic methamphetamine abusers (Mayfield’s step mother says he’s been using at least since the mid 90’s) can also display a number of psychotic features, including paranoia, visual and auditory hallucinations, and delusions (for example, the sensation of insects crawling under the skin).” Oh yeah…those are problems I want to have while driving a race car at top speed. OK, so let’s play devil’s advocate and acknowledge that maybe the drug’s fun and, excuse Mayfield for indulging every once in a while. Questionable logic due to his profession? Sure. But we’re all human and we have trouble resisting our vices. But just DAYS after a court decided he could go back to racing because the evidence against him in the first case was indecisive – he tests positive again! Man, that must have been one hell of a party to celebrate the court’s decision. Moral of the story: Jeremy, you’re an idiot. Plain and simple. I hope there are no little Mayfields running around to continue the gene-pool.




I hope you’ve enjoyed the first post. Sorry it’s 1000 words – future posts should be shorter, but let’s be honest…if I have a rant, I’m just going to keep on rolling. I will not be censored!


Now get back to work, crazy.